....she is me. i should feel so ashamed, so disgusted with myself. part of me does. part of me is sad. is this the girl i am?

batman started dating the brunette barbie at work. she is quite pretty and as stupid as they come. has already slept with quite a few of the other staff. im biased of course but....slut!! they were just screwing around but he told me today that as of thursday they are now a couple. he is supposed to be leaving somewhere between august and november to work on a cruise ship. its his version of running away. he rekons that if we try again and it works then he won't be able to leave and he really needs to get away. sounds like the easy way out to me.

batman and i were just talking but it never ends that way. he was lying down with his head on my lap and started stroking my hair. i want to say that it was when he kissed me that there was no turning back but it would be a lie. it was more around the time i walked in the door. we have been fighting at work. he yells, i talk back, he sulks, i cry. after a raging argument last week we decided that pehaps we should try hanging out and that we should try to talk things out.

so this is how it happens. i don't like her but then thats not an excuse. i love him but that isn't an excuse either. he said he isn't going to tell her. some people never change.

i used to be stronger. or perhaps things have just gotten harder.

i don't know when exactly i grew up, when life became so hard, so real. i feel like i have been smashed into the gravel pavement. no one warns you that it will hurt this way. at some point my mum stopped being able to fix all the problems. at some point the injuries were no longer little scrapes and bruises but huge gaping wounds which it seems, the world at large is so ready to pour salt on. i want to know what i should be doing with my life, if i really love my chosen field or if i am simply afraid and clinging to the closest piece of the floating debris. i want to know that at some point i will stop loving the man who still has the ability to destroy me with just a look. i need to know that it is going to get easier, that it will stop hurting this way.

the problem is that it doesn't get easier does it? the truth is that it gets harder. when i was in my teens, the boy two doors down moved to another city and i was terribly sad. it was very shortlived though. a week later my world was right again. batman and i have been trying to fix things, to make it work for over a year now. he has cheated and lied. i have cried and yelled. we have talked all night. he has made so many promises and said all the right things. i moved in and it was all so perfect for a while. but the truth is that perhaps it was only because we were both holding our breath, so afraid that it would all fall down around us.

we went to the park at 5 in the morning and played on the swings. we lay in bed all day. he taught me to cook two minute noodles and rice risotto(its incredible how much of a bad cook i am!) and we would lie together for hours. he watched my girly movies. i watched his stupid action movies and listened to him talk about comics. he would get furious every time i was late and irritated watching me straighten my hair. i would get upset he didn't call when he said he would.

love is an amazing thing. i wouldn't wish it on anyone.