i used to be stronger. or perhaps things have just gotten harder.

i don't know when exactly i grew up, when life became so hard, so real. i feel like i have been smashed into the gravel pavement. no one warns you that it will hurt this way. at some point my mum stopped being able to fix all the problems. at some point the injuries were no longer little scrapes and bruises but huge gaping wounds which it seems, the world at large is so ready to pour salt on. i want to know what i should be doing with my life, if i really love my chosen field or if i am simply afraid and clinging to the closest piece of the floating debris. i want to know that at some point i will stop loving the man who still has the ability to destroy me with just a look. i need to know that it is going to get easier, that it will stop hurting this way.

the problem is that it doesn't get easier does it? the truth is that it gets harder. when i was in my teens, the boy two doors down moved to another city and i was terribly sad. it was very shortlived though. a week later my world was right again. batman and i have been trying to fix things, to make it work for over a year now. he has cheated and lied. i have cried and yelled. we have talked all night. he has made so many promises and said all the right things. i moved in and it was all so perfect for a while. but the truth is that perhaps it was only because we were both holding our breath, so afraid that it would all fall down around us.

we went to the park at 5 in the morning and played on the swings. we lay in bed all day. he taught me to cook two minute noodles and rice risotto(its incredible how much of a bad cook i am!) and we would lie together for hours. he watched my girly movies. i watched his stupid action movies and listened to him talk about comics. he would get furious every time i was late and irritated watching me straighten my hair. i would get upset he didn't call when he said he would.

love is an amazing thing. i wouldn't wish it on anyone.