it has become so complicated that one could not understand without knowing the back story. so here it is, the prologue. it is perhaps a confession of lies i have told, moments that should never have happened, love that should never have come to be.

it began in april of this year when i invited goldilocks and two other girls from the resturant where i work out to lunch for my 21st birthday. goldilocks invited her boyfriend, a guy in the bar i had liked long before i knew they were dating. i had hardly spoken to him at work but we chatted heaps over lunch and without telling anyone, footed the $300 bill for lunch. he and goldilocks had to work that night so we met up for drinks afterwards. she went home tired, but ever the party boy, he came out to one of the only places still open, a pretty seedy gay bar. after far too many drinks we ended up dancing. I cant remember much of anything after that but aparently i tried to kiss him and threw up a lot. he had to walk me back to his and goldilocks apartment after i got us thrown out of a cab. i also managed to have him questioned by police as to what a black guy was doing in the middle of the night with a half passed out white girl. not my finest moments.

we started hanging around for a few drinks after work. we talked for hours. at the staff party goldilocks was tired and went home. the boy and i ended up on a boat cuddled up in the same bed. then we started hanging out outside of work. i crashed my car so he started driving me home. i didn't sleep with him or even kiss him but it was cheating none the less. he would stay over and just hold me. he told me it wasn't working with goldilocks and moved out of their apartment.

she was leaving in a month anyway. she was here from overseas and so her visa only allowed her to stay a year. their relationship had no future he said. he told her that he didn't want to stay with her any longer and then be heartbroken when she finally had to leave. when they broke up she was devastated. he was her first boyfriend, first person she slept with, first flowers....first love.

i felt awful so i called her, offered to talk, to hang out, to bring over chocolate and girly movies. she was just a girl at work. we weren't really friends but she had no one and she seemed so lovely. we went out for coffee and i listened to her tell me how hurt she was.

i started seeing the boy more and more. i had told him that i wouldn't date him even if he broke up with her but we both knew it was a lie. within about a week i was his girlfriend. we decided that it was best not to tell goldilocks. she would be so hurt and we were both worried that she would just jump on the first plane home. so it stayed a secret.

i decided that as much of a nice girl as she was that we would never really be friends. she was leaving soon. besides, i already had a lot of friends. what i had never had was a guy a really liked and cared about. a true comitment phobe, until i met the boy i had never had someone i could see myself with of trust enough to just be honest with. so i made my choice.