at 5.30 this morning i watched the man i am in love with go home with the french girl. he had slept with her once before of course. on saturday night she told me. he had promised me that nothing had happened. he had lied again. after she told me, she looked at me and apoligised. he had told her that i liked him still. actually he had told her all about me, all about our relationship. aparently the story of how he destoyed me makes great pillow talk.

i told him he can't do it anymore, that i can't watch him take home the girls that i go to work with everyday. i tried to explain that after everything its just too much to take. he held me and told me that he was sorry. that he cared about me so much and that it hurt him when i tried to keep my distance from him.

they left one by one leaving the three of us standing outside the bar. he said goodnight and turned and walked away with the french girl. i called him back over. he couldn't be serious. could he really leave me there, alone in the city on the brink of tears. i watched them walk away together laughing and joking not beleiveing that any person could purposely be so hurtful.

i don't even recognise this person anymore. im crying all the time. i stay out till 5.30 in the morning drinking cause i don't want to go home. if you are out then you don't have to be alone. if i am drinking it is a little easier to forget that my heart is breaking, that while im downing vodka he is holding her the way he used to hold me.

i feel nothing anymore. on friday i drove home so drunk i can't even remember it. i just don't care. there is nothing anymore.

he tells her he loves her every night before they go to sleep. he cuddles and kisses her the way he used to kiss me. he has been sleeping with her since june. he has been dating me since may. he was mine for a month.

it was stained sheets and text messages that gave it all away, that saw me driving home in tears. everything was a lie. every word out of his mouth. all the promises. he had been cheating on me for almost our entire relationship. why would he bother? its not like im an easy fuck. we broke up twice and got back together. our relationship became a huge amount of work and a lot of hurt. why didn't he just let me go? he could have walked away. left me.

i offered him more of a casual arrangement. he held me close and told me that he cared about me and wanted more than that.

he has gone back to his ex. a friend of mine who he was seeing for four months before we started dating. she is here from overseas and was devestated when they broke up so we thought it would only hurt her to tell her we were dating. she was going to be leaving in a few months so we thought we would just keep it a secret till she left. it wasn't easy when we were together. its unbearable now.

i sit there like any good girlfriend and listen to her tell me how the guy i love holds her at night, how he kisses her and how long they have been sleeping together. i smile and say nothing. i could tell her that he has cheated on us both, lied to us both. but then i remember how utterly heartbroken i feel every night when im alone in bed, how i can't stop crying, and hours spent wondering why he couldn't love me.

i smile and say nothing.

at about 6pm on wednesday night my precious china girl tried to take her own life.

something in a tearful phone conversation alerted the bf who ran home to find her sitting in the apartment beside an empty bottle of antidepressants. an ambulance took her to the emergency room and her two closest friends rushed to be with her.

it is the phone call you don't ever think you will get. it is the seemingly endless hours of waiting when you don't know what to say. it is the most awful moment on the way to hospital when you stop to think and suddenly reaslie that the friend who you love and adore could have been gone forever.

the bf tells me she has talked about it before. the parents that drove her to it seem unmoved by the near loss of their daughter, writing it off as a stunt. nothing will change. we are all far to scared to think about next time when perhaps no-one will be there to catch our precious china girl before she falls.

it is often said that you cannot choose who you fall in love with. we can only hope that ther person who we fall for happens to be gorgeous, well educated, has a bit of spare cash to flash and not too many 'issues' (the mother issue being the most dreaded!). Of course more important that all these things is that he be single.

in the past i have added many more specification onto this list. it has gotten to the point where i have become far too picky. however, in the past month or so all common sense seems to have gone out the window.

mr wrong.

i met him at work. this breaks rule number one. don't EVER screw the crew.
he has a girlfriend. as she also works with me and is totally, irritatingly lovley, she has becaome a good friend.
he has a kid. the issues this brings are far too many too list, not the lest of which is the mother (different women to the current gf.)
he is a serial flirter. yes if all these other problems disappeared and we got together i couldn't possible ever trust him.
he isn't even that hot!!!!

he is charming, totally lovable and just.....i have no idea what it is i like actually.

i am trying me hardest to just be his friend. unfortunatly it isn't working out. i see him all the time at work so he is not easy to forget. the fact that he keeps on being so nice isn't helping.

everyone keeps telling me that i just need to forget about him. keep away from him. i know all the really good reasons to do so. i know im only hurting myself. if only it were that simple.

i apoligise for my absence recently. i was working about sixty hours a week at my two jobs in order to save some money before going back to university. at the end of this year i want to go to cambodia and visit my dad who i havnt seen in two years. I also want to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to new york in the mid year break in 2007.

unfortunatly my annoyingly lovley dentist told me this afternoon that the bill for the work i need done is just over a thousand dollars. apparently the shape of my back teeth means they are basically food traps and hence i now need four fillings.

the money carefully set aside is as good as gone. the hours of hard work all for nothing. it seems that as soon as i make headway and really try for something that it falls apart around me. while everyone else was enjoying their holiday i was working everyday because i beleive that if you want something badly enough and work hard enough you can make it happen.

they say that one must suffer tremendous dissapointment and struggle to truley appreciate sucess. i wish i could just be happy with where i am, with an average life. on good days i wonder how it is that people live without a dream. on days like today i am certain that they are better off with their white picket fence existance. those already on lying in the gravel do not have far to fall when life decides to kick them to the ground.

its the phrase that one should never utter until the age of about 60 or over when an "age" of sorts has actually passed. it is the mantra of the older generation, those convinced that the world was a better place when they were young. well they didn't have ipods but for the most part they are probably right.

china girl and i have been saying this to each other quite a few times recently and today at work was a prime example of how "back in my day...." kids respected their elders. yes i know...my day was only really a few years back. apparenlty a lot has changed though. i ended up getting into an arguement with one of my staff at the cafe today over how long she was allowed to take for her break. after telling her to take 15 she duely informed me, her manager, that in fact she would be taking 30. by law she is of course entitled to 30mins and had we not been so busy i would have given it to her. anyone that has every worked in hospitality knows that if there is a rush very often you just don't get a break. thats life. deal with it or you are in the wrong industry. anyway, a little arguement ensued in which she was rather rude. i could't beleive it. not only am i older than her, i am in a higher position. when i talked to her about it later she just stood there smirking like it was a big joke.

the teachers at my sisters school are treated very rudely by students who have made several cry and subjected others to some minor pranks. on a more daily basis they receive no respect and bad behaviour is more common. it would seem that respecting your elders is no loner en vogue. certainly we should not long for the days where children were "seen and not heard" and the cliche of "older and wiser" held the words of adults to be unquestionable. it is definatly a good thing that youth now have a strong voice and are not afraid to call people on their decisions or mistakes. has it gone too far though? perhaps there are times when adults or those in authority are not correct but when age and experience should grant them a certain amount of respect. perhaps youth need to learn that thinking you are right is not everything, that sometimes a bit of old world curtesty and respect would not go amis.

frankly i don't know how i lived without it. it is my heroin. i take is everywhere. not a day does by that i don't light up its little screen.

it has become my constant companion, the soundtrack to my life - accompanying if not occasionally dictating my mood. possesing the unique ability to motivate me to do another 5 minutes on the treadmill at the gym, its custom 'sleep' playlist helping me relax at night. it's bright little headphones also stop the overly perky, faux happy salesgirls in clothing stores from asking about my day or convincing me that in fact skinny jeans would work great with my figure.

anyway, after months of battery problems my 6GB iPod mini decided to die. i pressed all the little buttons with no avail, the screen remained dull and lifeless. i immediatly rushed down to the store i bought it from. i can't live without it! i handed the girl the warrenty and prayed that it would be like all other electrical or technological things that go wrong - as soon as you show the elecriction the faulty switch it works perfectly. unfortunatly this was not the case. she told me it would i take ten to fourteen working days to get it fixed. with visions of silent drives home and hours at the gym listening to the 80's crap flashing in my head i replyed "where are you sending it to? kuwaite?! can't you speed it up a bit?!" the girl seemed sympathetic yet declared there was nothing she could do. no doubt many other ipods had died and are also being sent to be fixed or declared unfit for service. i can only hope that my little silver ipod makes it to the top of the pile quickly.

im lost without it. damn apple. you would think that when you pay $430 NZ for something that it would last a little longer!!

welcome to the new location. the suspicion that someone i know stubled upon my first blog has forced me to relocate to new internet premises. perhaps these thoughts are the product of my own paranoia. nevertheless, in the interest of greater annonymity i have claimed this tiny piece of cyberspace as my own.

~ runaway girl